I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.

It is the last day of April! Holy smokes. It seems like my time here in England has gone by so slow, but in all reality, I have already been here for 13 weeks. I am having random roller coaster emotions. Sometimes I can't wait to leave, while other days I want to stay here. Like today, it is a beautiful spring day, even though the wind is blowing, it is beautiful outside. I want nothing more than to go to the park and lay in the grass and read my book. I can't... I have class in about 45 minutes. But it would be lovely. The weather is supposed to continue like this the rest of the week until about Thursday. I would love to stay here... if I had my friends (the 4 or 5 that I can't live without) and my family. I look at my watch and it says it is only 8.45am at home. while it is 4.45pm here. the 8 hour time difference makes it hard, but as soon as I get back from Dublin, I am screwing up my sleep schedule to get back to Arizona's time. I will go to bed at 8.am here which is midnight back home and then staying up all night. That gives me a week to get back on a regular schedule and not be so jet lagged when I get back home. I have a lot to do in the three days before I go to Las Vegas.

Dublin is in 9 days!! I am very excited, even though the weather channel site says it is to be partly cloudy. I can deal with clouds and over cast (i have lived in England for 13 weeks now... overcast is constant), I just don't want it to rain. I am so excited, we are going to the Dublin Zoo!! Animals make me so happy. I can't wait. And I get to go shopping and buy things and maybe splurge on a nice little something for myself since I haven't done that. And then as soon as we bet back from Dublin, I will be home in 9 days. I will be into the single digits. 20 days right now. Not even in the teens yet! But I know it will go by fast, because it already has. And I have to pop out one more essay by the end of this week, so my days will go fast. It always goes fast when you have a deadline and something important due. Funny how that works.


Here's a picture of me and Heather on our daily walk in the Wolverhampton Park... by far the best sight in Wolverhampton. and there are even baby duckies there too. Look at that blue sky!!! Amazing. I love sunny days with blue skies. "nothing but blue skies, do i see" well said. Like my sunglasses? I got them for a pound. And they are amazing.

I am trying to be optimistic for once in my life. Shocking, eh? Well, I figure if I am optimistic and not think the worst of things, things might actually turn out better. And I am wearing a smile on my face, even during the most wretched times. My mum paid good money for this smile, can't let it go to waste. I keep telling my friend Stephanie to keep her head up and breathe. Things suck, and things are hard in life, but at least we're alive. That's all I gotta say. There is so much out there to see and do, it is horrible to spend the days sad and depressed. Even if buying a pint of ben and jerry's and eating it all makes you happy for just 30 minutes while consuming it... that is a whole 30 minutes of not thinking of your problem. It is easy to get over... you can't dwell on it.

Sheesh. Look at me... I am all wise and stuff. haha. At least trying to be wise. Lets just say a lot of change has come from me doing this experience, and with still 20 days to go, who knows what else might happen. Be prepared for the transformation peeps... it's a big one.

i wanted it so desperatley to be real

I was thinking about graduating college next year, because my friend L is getting ready to do it in two weeks. And I realized I didn't really do anything for my high school graduation, like go on a cruise or go on a trip... I was in "college" at the time over the summer until July. So I didn't really get to do anything fun after graduation. My little mind was spinning, and I was thinking that I want to take a trip somewhere when I graduate next spring. Granted, I am just going to go back to school, but this is a big deal... I am graduating from college with my undergrad! woohoo.

Now, the place I want to go... St. Lucia. I have never been anywhere tropical, and it just looks beautiful. I haven't dont any research because it probably wont happen, but that would be the next place I want to go. If you don't know what the hell I am talking about google it. under images too. it looks amazing. it sounds amazing. lets do it.

Going shopping tomorrow, but nothing else planned. Probably go for a walk in the park and do some reading. I actually get to read stuff I want to read. Although, Jude the Obscure was a phenomenal book. I loved it. But now, I am reading the ever so confusing Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves. It will take me awhile, but I am loving it. I suggest just going to the bookstore and look through it. It is interesting, especially once you get further into the book.

the friends that come and go, but never forgotten

There is a lady in Story of English class who I have become quiet fond of and enjoy. We always sit next to each other and just have loads of fun. We make little side comments about the teacher or the people in class, and just laugh. She travels a lot, and I like to live vicariously through her journeys to places I wont be able to see for awhile. Anyway, today was our last day in this class and unexpectedly, Hilary (which comes from the Latin word hilarious... means cheerful) pulled out a bag and said something along the lines of "Happy early birthday. It is safe to say I am going to miss you. It has been wonderful this semester" I adore her... she is simply amazing. She grew up in the hippie era, and still has a little of it in her... she is just so darn funny. I get home and I open the card, which is incredible by itself and then the two presents. This is what I got...

I got a bottle of sparkling wine from Barcelona Spain, some chocolate and of course the card. It was so very considerate of her to get me all these lovely things. It really was unexpected, and i am so very thankful. She gave me her e-mail address and said to keep in touch (which i plan on doing), and that I can come and stay with them anytime I like, and to bring my mum too. haha she is so lovely. I will miss her friendship... she is the only friend I have made in a class... every other class I am that girl that sits by herself and doesn't speak.

The week is slowly getting better. two of my best friends talked to my yesterday, which made me so very happy. I hadn't talked to them in a very long time (besides the e-mail) so talking to them over AIM really just made me happy. They are going back home on the 7th of may. Samantha's parents are there in Mexico until they leave. Their last day of school is Thursday. Lucky. Half way point for the week... very excited about that, but it also means I have a lot to accomplish this next week. Only one more class today and then one tomorrow and that is it. In a week from today, it will already be the second of May!

the waiting for this is going to suck.

this just adds to my whole "i can't wait for summer" statement.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLud6yM47u8&eurl=http%253A%252F%252Fmugglenet%252Ecom%252F

watch it. like a billion times because i did. and it is amazing. like i almost peed my pants. this made my entire day. i am so excited and happy and anxious. holy smokes. this is going to be intense.

sometimes it feels like i am falling in the ocean

Today I woke up feeling awfully homesick. I don't really know why, or understand but I woke up feeling extremely sad and missing people. When I woke up, it was 8ish, so I called my friend Stephanie, because I knew she would be up back home since it was only 12. That helped a lot, but then I got a message from here that just made me cry. She's having a hard time, and I hate not being there for her. I know she will pull through, she's strong.

Finished the very rough draft of my paper about words so I can meet with my professor on Wednesday with it. I need to make sure I am doing it right, and what else I need to include in it. I need to get an A on the paper in order to get a C in her class, which will transfer to a B. I got the results from my American Literature paper... a B! woohoo! That is the boost that I need in order to continue. Seeing all these D grades just makes me not want to do anything. So now I have a little boost of self-esteem and confidence that I needed.

It is a cloudy day in England... shocking. It makes me want to stay in bed all day. I am not going to because that doesn't do me any good. I don't want to be sad and depressed all day. There is a football game right now and it is so amazing how crazy these people get. I want to go to one, but I don't know how much it costs and it almost frightens me. The British take their football seriously. And what I am hearing is only university football. I can't even imagine what it is like for a professional football game. I might do some reading, or some writing. Haven't been able to do that. I accomplished my goal today which was to finish the draft of my paper. I am sure later I will start my other paper. I just want to get this all over with so I can enjoy the rest of my time here and travel and just take it easy until my finals.

I can have oodles of charm when I want to.

It is Friday. Everyone jump around in joy and do a little song. You know you want to. Nothing planned for today except working on my paper. I might go to the park and do a little reading. The park should be a good vision to see. Spring is here, and I am falling in love with this place. It is amazing how we came back from Italy and the trees now have flowers on them... more flowers are slowly appearing and it stays light out until 8.15ish. Granted, we still had a lot of green in the winter, but honestly, I find this place just beautiful. There are trees right on the sidewalk from ASDA that are so full of white flowers and low to the ground (i can hit my head on them) and they smell amazing. There are still big, fluffy clouds of white in the blue sky, but at least they are breaking up... not a constant fog/haze whatever you want to call it.

After talking to my cousin the other day, she told me that her husband's cousin met Augusten Burroughs. ok. jealous?! yeah. Totally. I have not read any of his other books besides Running with Scissors because I never bought them and I didn't have the time. I plan on conquering them this summer though. As well as the other 20 books I have that I haven't read yet. Anyway... off subject. It made me jealous, like it would anyone if they like his book. But then I started thinking about all the people I would love to meet. Dead and alive. Granted, if I do end up in a publishing house (very unlikely) I would be able to meet loads of authors. Here is a list off of the top of my head of the people I want to meet.

Jane Austen, Virgina Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Jim Adkins, Augusten Burroughs, Chuck Klosterman, Kurt Vonnegut, Damien Rice, TS Eliot, E.E. Cummings, Emily Dickenson, da Vinci, Charles Dickens, Edith Wharton, Mark Danielewski, Jackie O., JFK, Bill Clinton, Ellen DeGeneres, The Dali Lama, Irvine Welsh, Robert Frost, Saul Williams, Dave Eggers, Hunter S. Thompson, J.K. Rowling, Henry David Thoreau, Truman Capote, Albert Einstein, Abe Lincoln. Just to name a few.

Oxford tomorrow. Very exciting. The lady in my Story of English class told me that you can't miss the campus. Apparently most of the city if the campus, and then there are shopping areas and stuff around the city. So I am excited to walk around the campus and go into the library. I heard they have a grand library. There will be pictures either later tomorrow night or Sunday.

1 month.

Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.

Best question today; "You have a lot of... gay friends. are you OK with that?"

Some people just crack me up... because they are ridiculous and the things that come out of their mouths are so... stupid. But I couldn't help but laugh. I was thinking to myself "Did you really just say that? People really say these things?!" Laughter cures any problem... even if the problem goes away for only 5 minutes. It was 5 minutes that we forget about whatever is bothering us and just laugh.

Tuesday is gone now. The sun is slowing setting and probably wont set for another hour. it is 7.43 pm as I write this. I don't have class on Tuesdays so I try and use it the best way I can, which in the past couple of weeks has been to do nothing. If you were all wondering if I finished Beloved, I did... last night after my class. Nevertheless, I spent today getting ready for the day and going to the library to pick up some last minute sources for my essay that I have been working on for the past three weeks. However, after getting my paper back last night from another class, I am not feeling confident in my writing. I got a D on said paper, and while I am very glad it isn't an "E" (F) it still makes me feel stupid. The main problem; not enough secondary reading to support my argument. Too much reading of the text to support my argument. This is what I do back home. I analyze texts and do it very well, if I do say so myself. My Kurt Cobain paper is by far my favorite piece of prose I have ever written. I talked with the professor and he said that I had an argument, he just wanted more secondary reading and knowledge than what I gave him. So my next paper will be filled with secondary sources so I get an A on it... I am determined. Anyway, I have a paper due tomorrow... and this professor is so unapproachable as well as the hardest in the English Department here. So lets just say I tried my best. I am hoping for at least a C, but if I get a D, that is OK with me... better than an E (F). So the next three weeks... my Tuesdays, Thursdays and part of Fridays will be spent in the library, gathering material to write two more papers and then I am done with papers and just have two tests.

On a lighter note, Oxford is this Saturday and I couldn't be more excited to leave this town again. I am hoping that they drop us off by the campus so I can spend the whole day there... pretending to be a student. Buy a shirt or two and just enjoy a different college. I like Wolverhampton for small things that I find kind and lovable... but there are things that I hate about this city. It comes with every city you live in I guess. I have been here 12 weeks already! I guess the time has flown by... I realized it today when I was looking at my planner. When I am done with this, I will have spent 1/3 of the year in England. Crazy to think about because a lot of people (myself included) thought I couldn't do it.

Being far away has also made me realize the people I truly care about... with friends. I have realized I can live without a few and suffer immensely without some. I have about 5 or 6 friends who I miss to the point where I cry. The bonds I have created with some people these past three years of college are (I believe) strong enough to last a lifetime. I have also realized that my mom is an amazing woman. Being here has put a lot in perspective for me. Granted, I have my moments where I want to rip off her head and put it on a stick outside (and i am sure she wants to do the same to me at times), I would not be the person I am now without her. Things may not be the way they used to, and they probably never will be... but there is still a lifetime of making new memories and a new bond. Something to look forward to upon my return.

I plan on having tonight to myself. A night where I don't do any work, because honestly, I have been doing a great job by keeping up with all my stuff. I want to relax. Watch a movie and enjoy the things I have accomplished thus far.